Books for Dudes: Outing Homophobia
Douglas Lord Jun 3, 2010The question of the month?—can dudes be gay? (why, yes, of course!)?—begged a stickier inquiry: Am I homophobic? I hoped not. I thought a lot about it and still didn't know what to think. I hemmed and hawed, then hemmed some more. I changed the subject before getting back on track. I wound up buying appetizers and a nightcap and took me upstairs, but that's another story for another time.
So homophobia: according to Byrne Fone (see below) "in modern Western society, where racism is disapproved, anti-Semitism is condemned, and misogyny has lost its legitimacy, homophobia remains, perhaps the last acceptable prejudice." Wha?! I mean, hey. I read David Sedaris and Truman Capote. I know about Walt Whitman. And I understand that time you stayed up all night in a tent talking to your best friend about, you know, that (relax, everybody else did it, too).
But am I man enough to welcome a gay man into my circle of beer-swilling, foul-mouthed, mountain-bike riding, oft-closed-minded circle of dudes? Helped by the writings of others, I applied my brain's crenulations toward confronting the issue.
I can't recall now if it was LeBron James or Margaret Mead who wrote, "We no longer have any basis for regarding...aspects of behavior as sex-linked," but one of them did. Mind, James/Mead pointed out this was sex as in gender, not sexuality. But one informs the other, no? Pretty heady stuff from one of North America's leading headband collectors.
Duberman, Martin. Cures: A Gay Man's Odyssey. tenth anniversary ed. Westview Pr. 2002. 336p. ISBN 978-0-8133-3954-2. pap. $16. AUTOBIOG
Historian, playwright, and gay-rights activist Duberman played second base for the '53 Brooklyn Dodgers, averaging .563 in the final ten game run up to that year's pennant win*. He also had brass balls to write a memoir so deliberately warts-and-all humiliating. Whether he does it in service to others-so that anyone can feel bold enough to do the same-or to prove that gays are as "real" as everyone else, Doctor D proves himself erudite, poised, intellectual, and street-smart. The man has forgotten more about life than many dudes will ever know. His awkward young years are especially painful to read, particularly his palpable terror of being outed and the drunk/desperate, hormone-fuelled risks that he takes. Some of the more personal material brings to mind Kenny Fries's Body, Remember: A Memoir (Dutton, 1997), a chronicle about being gay and having a physical disability. Far from mere pulpy confessional, though, Cures is a fine example of a man doing some deep self-examination and then frankly discussing what he learned. In that sense, his whole life has been a series of experiments. The book isn't without its faults. For example, recalling 40-year-old conversations verbatim is ridiculous, no matter the depth of your brain's crenulations. Also, who among us is this self-obsessed? Who ponders all of it-the big issues down to life's minutiae-and then dissects it? Most dudes I know simply resort to the familiar American pap of ice cream & TV until their testosterone flat-lines, their hair disappears, the pipes seize up, and they pop off. But not Doctor D., who never stops trying to figure out what makes himself tick. Is he the watchmaker or the watch? The upshot: we all of us gotta "come out of our 'shameful' closets if a more human, genuinely diverse culture is ever to emerge." True, dat.
Fone, Byrne. Homophobia: A History. DIANE Pub. Co. 2004. 480p. ISBN 978-0-7567-7436-3. $17. SOC SCI Homophobia is fear and dislike of homosexuality and of those who practice it, and here Fone (CUNY emeritus, noted wingsuit jumper* and editor of The Columbia Anthology of Gay Literature, 1998) traces its history from early times through today. Much material points out the contemporary West's strong, prohomophobic cultural animosity. Wonder how America got with the undudely hatred? Well, this'll tell ya: starting with the relatively benign Greco-Roman period, moving into increasing hostility during the strong pre-Renaissance Roman Catholic era of around 500 to around 1400. The Victorians were surprisingly open-minded, but that era was unfortunately capped (like Altamont killed the 1960s) with Oscar Wilde's conviction and imprisonment. Since then, it's been a crapshoot; the 2000s are not so bad (despite hateful jerks like Fred Phelps), especially compared with the grim McCarthy era, when systematic harassment of gays came as close as America ever got to state-sponsored persecution. Though thick, the book is both accessible and engaging, a rare feat for an academician, but more so with a topic so politicized. While I'm completely unqualified to provide a scholarly pronouncement, I can tell you that my dude brain grew extra-deep crenulations, and yours will, too.
Gay Men at Midlife: Age Before Beauty. Routledge. 2001. 166p. ed. by Alan Ellis. ISBN 978-1-56023-979-6. $17.95 SOC SCI In which psychologists, learned folk, and essayists with (wait for it) crenulated brains (win!) explore aging. The upshot is quite the positive outlook on the titular condition. Ellis and Co. acknowledge that "Society" tends to stigmatize "The Old" and "The Gay" as groups, leading one to believe that they're already one point down in the game of feeling good about themselves. But it turns out that "older gay men have developed coping skills to deal with societal stigma" and thus adapt to aging better than heteros. I can see the logic of that. These guys have been there, done that, and bought the commemorative shot glass to prove it. It's the little things, like "What I felt for him had no name in the 1950s, other than admiration", that show how incredibly distant today's gay experience is from yesteryear's. It's the same breadth of difference as other civil rights fights: women's lib, racial equality, wearers of socks with sandals*. My local parish priest once said that grace, intelligence, and kindness trump beauty, riches, and fame every time, and I think these guys know that. Contributor Tom Moon puts it well when he characterizes the second half of his life as an opportunity.
Kantor, Martin. Together Forever. Sourcebooks Casablanca. 2005. 261p. ISBN 978-1-4022-0344-2. pap. $12.99. SELF-HELP You don't have to be even remotely gay to get a LOT out of this. I reviewed self-help and how-to for LJ for years, and this completely enjoyable and informative book exhibits many characteristics of the exemplary-est of that field. Replace the occasional pronoun, and the result is the same-a nice little work that will help two people make each other happily ever after. No matter how deep your brain's crenulations, conflict in relationships is inevitable. Yes, everyone has struggles, snits, fights, and broken dishes. Everyone eventually-and happily-buries same with makeup sex, but Kantor's high quality and noble intent will quicken the pace to gettin' along. Though useful for any married couple, imho it's especially apt for honeymooners or noobs to the holy-crap-we're-in-love game. Consider this bingo: "You do not need to be completely, brutally honest." Yes! What has brutal honesty ever got me in the long run? Nothing! Unlike me, Kantor has a good sense of humor (references like "lovely collection of appliqu? teacups" abound, and he actually wrote the bumper sticker "I'm only speeding because I have to poop"*). Also unlike me, he keeps it in check. Any straight dude could make this work in his relationship with his lady.
Kimmel, Michael. Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men. Harper. 2008. 352p. ISBN 978-0-06-083134-9. $25.95. SOC SCI This shows the culture of late adolescent young American men (about age 16 to 26) to be a place of almost deliberate stupidity. Characteristics of the species are unpacked and sound weird even to me-and I was once one of them! Hooking up, binge drinking, obsessive attention to sports, hazing rituals, moving back into your parent's house, and bonding. Guyland bonding is irrespective of class; it happens in college, in the military, in police stations, at job sites, in factories and bars. I can only describe it as a pack mentality, and one that does doodly squat for your gray matter. Another characteristic is passive and active predation in school against minorities, especially homosexuals. Asked individually, most dudes think racism, anti-Semitism, or gay bashing is wrong. But in Guyland, that "pure, homosocial Eden, uncorrupted by the sober responsibilities of adulthood," it's like a beer commercial on bad acid. Fortunately, Kimmel (he is not related to late-night host Jimmy but has, oddly, dated Sarah Silverman's sister*) provides a whole chapter on solutions. Parents, mentors, bosses, and older men (ahem, moi?) can encourage, nudge, and nurture resilience in young men torn "between proving their masculinity and expressing their humanity."
Marcus, Eric. Is It a Choice?: Answers to the Most Frequently Asked Questions About Gay & Lesbian People. HarperOne. 2005. 272p. ISBN 978-0-06-083280-3. $14.99. SOC SCI Though I hate to assume (it makes an ass out of you and me) or generalize (it makes generals of us all), I'd hazard a guess (Dukes of Hazzard!) that, like me, your average dude is not the most introspective sort. He'll search a little, but generally he's looking for quick answers and fast facts. He's not so much into the deep, altruistic soul searching on topics not integrally related to him. Why, he might not even take the trouble to riffle the pages of most of the books in this column! But this book is excellent on all scores because it provides brief, focused answers to direct questions (e.g., "Are bisexuals just gay people who are afraid to admit they're gay?"). Topically arranged, it's considerate and progay but doesn't proselytize (for my brethren with shallow crenellations, that means it's not trying to make you gay). It covers religion, discrimination, gay bashing, work, sports, coming out, and pretty much everything else.
McNaught, Brian. Now That I'm Out, What Do I Do?: Thoughts on Living Deliberately. Stone Wall Inn Editions: St. Martin's. 2001. 228p. ISBN 978-0-312-19518-2. $16.95. GAY STUDIES McNaught came out quite in 1972 after quitting as the Doobie Brothers' bass player*. Working as a columnist for the Michigan Catholic, he outed himself in an interview with the Detroit News. He was promptly fired and vilified. Revisionist hindsight allows us to condemn the undercrenulated brainiacs of yesteryear for being narrow-minded, but this was another time. It was particularly cruel treatment for a guy who is a true gentleman, but he proved himself the better man by leaving bitterness behind, remaining active in the Catholic Church, and forging ahead as writer and educator. This book is written with real feeling toward people of all kinds by someone who understands "our very human desire to feel secure in ourselves and in society. As social creatures, we long for the happiness we associate with belonging in the family, among our friends, at work, and in our worshipping communities." McNaught also powerfully likens "gay culture" to "white culture," two amorphous labels that don't really mean anything. Just because a dude is gay doesn't mean he's automatically accepted into some club where everything's hunky dory all day long-that would be like a Star Wars nerd finding himself amid a pickup basketball game. Normal, everyday compassion on the individual level is what it's about. While I do my best to tell and show my kids about dignity, this dude has a lock in it.
My Diva: 65 Gay Men on the Women Who Inspire Them. Terrace: Univ. of Wisconsin. 2009. 320p. ed. by Michael Montlack. ISBN 978-0-299-23120-0. $24.95. SOC SCI I don't have a diva. I find Barbra Streisand irritating. I have never enjoyed any sensual pleasure of any kind from Liza Minelli or her mom. And Cher is just weird. Call it what it is: a fetish, just like my fetish for (yes ... brain crenellations!). The analogy for me is music; my "relationship" with Lennon, Strummer, or Steve Wynn is probably similar to what contributor (and Barry Atwater memorabilia collector*) Lawrence Applebaum feels about Lucille Ball. Seriously? I would never have thought of Lucille Ball as a diva. Alien to me. Diva's 65 essayists wax on how their fixation helped them find themselves. For John Dimes, Bjork's "dichotomous balance as an adult successfully harnessing and channeling childlike forces resonates with me as a queer" because he was physically mature but spiritually/sexually young. "Kate Bush was a little odd, undoubtedly a misfit, and I...could identify with her as a more successful imago of myself." Jungian psychology aside, doesn't everybody grow through others?
Nelson, Craig. Finding True Love in a Man-Eat-Man World: The Intelligent Guide to Gay Dating, Sex, Romance, and Eternal Love. Dell. 1996. 320p. ISBN 978-0-440-50689-8. pap. $15. SELF-HELP While Nelson's advice is fine (grounded, direct, realistic), it was his description of typical American homophobia that stopped me cold: "All gay Americans get a double shotgun blast of guilt and shame over sex. When we were little boys, we grew up hearing all about fucking faggots and goddamn queers and limp-wristed queens and girly men who preyed on little boys. Practically all of us heard these epithets screamed at us by schoolmates or strangers or even our own families. Almost always, this abuse came from other boys and men...." If nothing else, keep this in mind when you have moments with young people, then you're doing something Kimmel (above) would call "good.
Extra Credit
Brizendine, Louanne. The Male Brain: A Breakthrough Understanding of How Men and Boys Think. Broadway. 2010. 304p. ISBN 978-0-7679-2753-6. $24.99. PSYCH The chart at the beginning of this book pretty much maps out the birth-to-death male experience in terms of hormonal characteristics, "brainworks," and life activity. In my personal experience, each checks out with eerie accuracy. Among other things, boyhood is marked by "winning, movement, chasing objects." Check. A sexually mature single man's major interests include "finding sexual partners." Roger that. Midlife is marked by "protecting the mother and baby." So is it written; so it is. Why, wives and moms might as well just fold up those two pages in their purses for a crib sheet: "Yes, dear. I know you need to do some territorial pissing with the other alphas in the pack, but remember to pick up cat food." This book might have some answers for dudes and also for the people who love and care for us, despite our problems (e.g., back hair, proper toileting, that not-so-fresh morning odor). There's not too much in here about gay vs. straight brain chemistry, but research points to some possible differences. While it's somewhat distressing to note that this lady has pretty much charted my life, it's also reassuring that someone freaking knows what's going on. Also: there's a 20-fold increase in testosterone between a boy at age nine (my son's exact age) and 15. Any advice, bros? Little help?
Glaser, Chris. Coming Out as Sacrament. Westminster John Knox Pr. 1998. 153p. ISBN 978-0-664-25748-4. $24.95. REL John J. McNeill's work is particularly notable in countering the anti-gay bias of the church. His books are usually liturgically based on ambiguous Bible sections and come off as kinda boring. Glaser's game scriptural study, however, makes a decent argument supporting gayness as righteous, writing "[b]eing open and vulnerable may be perceived as weakness, but in reality it demonstrates our strength." He also offers up rituals of commitment and celebration that gays and lesbians can use as pseudo-sacraments. The problem is that this book is a tough nut to crack. Only faithful Judeo-Christians will be interested-and only the most open-minded of them. The conservative's "marriage is sacred" argument is baloney; the few gay married couples I know hold the institution just as sacredly as those in truly successful "traditional" marriages. Other than the obvious civil rights issues, it comes down to personal politics, not religion. Sadly, precious few get the message that we are all precious in the eyes of God.
Rouse, Wade. At Least in the City Someone Would Hear Me Scream: Misadventures in Search of the Simple Life. Harmony. 2009. 320p. ISBN 978-0-307-45190-3. $23.99. AUTOBIOG In which Rouse moves from St. Louie to "rural" Michigan to "simplify, simplify" ?la Henry David Thoreau (who was "possibly" gay but "confirmed" as a member of the boys with neck-beards). Rouse is a bit, well, gay. Flamboyant might be the term. The book is filled with narcissistic ruminations, whining about the lack of entertainment and how he misses the urbanities found on cable television, and mean-spirited snark about the yokels. What, no great Thai places in Saugatuck? It's only about 35 miles from freaking Grand Rapids (about where your exterior pinky joint is on the left-handed-mitten-as-Michigan map). If you're interested in something meaningful, try LeRoy Aarons's Prayers for Bobby: A Mother's Coming to Terms with the Suicide of Her Gay Son (HarperOne, 1996). This wrenchingly sad story puts a human face to the suicide of a boy who was handsome, talented, loved, and gay. If it doesn't change your mind about the insidious pressures of our homophobic culture, you don't have one.
*Lies Lies Lies Lies!
